Conker T. Squirrel Interview By: LucybonesSquirrel
LucybonesSquirrel: Hm, the weather's quite warm today. Anyway, my actual name is Milletta, but I'll be referring myself as LucybonesSquirrel for the sake of this interview, which we'll now be having with our beloved red squirrel soon... wherever he has gone, that is.
*LucybonesSquirrel sees Conker heading out of a nearby bar really drunk, with a bottle of beer in his right hand.*
LucybonesSquirrel: Geez Conker, you don't look too good. And where the heck have you been??
Conker: Er... *hic*. Say, who are you, weird-looking fella??
LucybonesSquirrel: I can tell you have been drinking again.
Conker: Yep... *BuuRp* Ow, there came all the chocolate...
LucybonesSquirrel: Em... I think we have to wait till another time, because Conker doesn't seem to be sober right now.
Conker: Wait, I think I can do it. Just gotta get my anti-drunk pills first. *Hic* I'll be right back.
*Some time later...*
Conker: Ok, I'm back.
LucybonesSquirrel: Alright. So... How do you like your life right now?
Conker: Officially or unofficially?
LucybonesSquirrel: Any one of them.
Conker: Officially, things could have been better. In a perfect world I would probably have had my sequel to Bad Fur Day by now. My appearance in Project Spark was a bit of an upside though.
LucybonesSquirrel: Oh yeah, Project Spark. I've heard a lot about it. Shame Conker's Big Reunion was canned though.
Conker: Yeah. But what can ya do about it. One thing that happened in 2016, was Young Conker...
LucybonesSquirrel: Oh yeah, that one. It was intended to be released for the Microsoft Hololens, and from what I heard lots of people hated the main character's appearance in that game. What's your thoughts on this?
Conker: Well, if I were to take sides regarding my design in that game, I say I'm leaning towards the guys who didn't like it.
LucybonesSquirrel: And your reason being?
Conker: Well, for one it wasn't how people remembered me, and secondly, and I'm honest about it... I literally looked like ****ing roadkill!! Whoever made my redesign must have not known how I really looked like! I mean, Big Reunion tried to at least update my look without straying too far from the original game. Young Conker meanwhile, manages to do just the opposite. The result was a lot of angry Conker fans calling out their dislike of this new character design on places like social media and Youtube, and they were more than right; my design in Young Conker looks absolutely nothing like me in any way!
LucybonesSquirrel: Alright, moving on. Now, can you tell something about any of the characters that you have met?
Conker: Can I pick a character?
LucybonesSquirrel: Well, it's your choice, so go ahead.
Conker: Ok, then I'll start with Rodent. Let's see... When I first met him I was like "What an idiot to be a soldier.". I mean he's a great guy, and he sure got the guts to fight. He just doesn't seem to know that not everyone is equal in their minds, and doesn't give a damn about the things he inadvertedly destroys. What drove me so mad was that moment he was flung away from the Tediz base. When I arrived back in Windy I saw that the winwill was gone. How did the windmill get demolished? Rodent blew it up by crashing into it! I was confident that the winmill was the final level, but it turned out it wasn't. I so hated him because of that. And that'll be my opinion of him.
LucybonesSquirrel: Ok. Are there any other characters you hate or once hated?
Conker: Oh yeah, there was another guy; Franky the Pitchfork. I helped him out when he attempted to kill himself, then we go fight that haybot creature. I taped him together after he gone broken in halves, and a moment later the haybot base starts flooding. Did he help me any further? NO. He said that he'd better gotta go, and just vanished off, leaving me alone to defend myself. Another one is Burt, who I had to go see by the advice of Jack. What did he do for me? He just opened the gate for me where a lot of cheeses were hopping around, leaving me to do all the work I was hoping NOT to have to do! There were even more characters I hated, like that paint pot and paintbrush, that stupid snobby slash foulmouthed cog with split personalities, those cogs I had to put back in their places, those fiery imps who just had to try and burn my tail, that big fat queen bee, the Tediz, and...
LucybonesSquirrel: Ok, time to move on to another subject now... unofficially, how are you having it now?
Conker: Well, have to admit it is a lot better these days. Berri is now with me again, we've had our offspring Cherri, who is like a mix of me and Berri but still has her own personality. I've also stopped drinking nearly all the time. There are times when I do still drink, but I often tend to take very small pints now.
LucybonesSquirrel: Have you been able to keep your drinking under control in recent times?
Conker: For the most part, yes. Nearly 85% of my drinking habits are gone. There are times when my mind snaps and I just HAVE to get myself a beer, but my wife Berri has a number of tricks up her sleeve to make sure I stay sober. How she does it I don't know...
LucybonesSquirrel: *whispers to herself.* Well, Berri has her tricks, most of which he may never know... *talks normally again.* So, you've also got two siblings of yours, am I right?
Conker: Yep, Trish and Kid Conker.
LucybonesSquirrel: How are those two like to you?
Conker: Well. They're both great. I mean, they're my siblings after all. Anyway, one thing I sometimes don't like about Kiddy is... his lowminded and dimwitted self. The other thing is his constant failure to try and get from tree to tree, which was a part of his practice that he needed to do according to the school he was attending then.
LucybonesSquirrel: And what about Trish?
Conker: We got better along with each other. She's only very slightly taller than me, and is the only red squirrel with no tail. She has a great interest in reading books from what I could tell, since I always saw a huge bookcase at her bedside whenever I visited them back in the day.
LucybonesSquirrel: Both of them used to live in Nutty Woods, but now they seem to have gone elsewhere. Do you know where each of them are living these days?
Conker: Kiddy now lives in Windy, the same place me and my family live. This is also where he's been doing his recent training. Not jumping from tree to tree now, but something different.
LucybonesSquirrel: Which is?
Conker: Training for the SHC Army. At the moment he's been signed the position as a janitor, but he seems to be ok with it despite the downs he experiences there. He also seems to have found himself a friend with Rodent. I've no idea what they might be talking about in their spare time together. Could be anything, I suppose.
LucybonesSquirrel: And Trish?
Conker: From what I heard, Trish is now living on a island far away from Windy. She probably felt that she needed some peace and quiet. She lived in Windy very briefly, but things were a bit too noisy for her, and she always got disturbed by things or people, mostly indirectly. Not being able to stand the atmosphere at the place she lived, Trish decided to move to a place where no one or nothing could disturb her life. I don't blame her though. Sometimes even I feel the need to be for myself. But I would never leave my family behind.
LucybonesSquirrel: Trish is said to be Cherri's aunt. Do you think this is true?
Conker: Yes, Trish is Cherri's aunt. Although she now lives on a island, Trish still makes sure to come and visit my family when she has the chance.
LucybonesSquirrel: Do you think Trish is still practicing her karate skills to this day?Conker: I'm sure she is. I mean, even when she moved to Windy for a brief period she often did her karate practices in her home, sometimes even when me and my family paid her a visit one time. I'm not sure if our daughter has ever picked up on it yet though...
LucybonesSquirrel: Do you get to see Kiddy and Trish on occasions?
Conker: Kiddy I do see around here from time to time. Most of the time it looks like he has been beaten up by someone in the SHC army, considering he keeps appearing with empty or half-full toilet rolls stuffed in his nose. Trish meanwhile I rarely, if ever get to see. If I do see her Trish is almost always on her way back to her home on that little island. I've never been to her house there though, so how it looks like I can't really tell... Uh oh, I've gotta go. I have the feeling Berri's realized I've been sneaking out again!
LucybonesSquirrel: But we aren't even done yet!
Conker: Sorry, but we've got to do this another time! Do tell me if you want another interview with me sometime, and I'll be there! DON'T tell her that I've gone this way!
LucybonesSquirrel: Er... Sure, I won't!
*Conker runs off into the darkness, hoping that Berri won't find him, leaving LucybonesSquirrel by herself.*
LucybonesSquirrel: *Sigh*... ah well, maybe I'll just head home now... Uh oh, there comes Berri, and she sure doesn't look happy!
Berri: Hi there, have you seen my boyfriend around here? Conker's been sneaking out to have himself a beer again, and I'm sure gonna teach him a thing or another when I find him!
LucybonesSquirrel: Um... sorry, I haven't seen him around here!
Berri: Darn. I'll better go then... when I find him I... well, who KNOWS what I'm gonna do when I see him again...
*After Berri has gone away.*LucybonesSquirrel: Well, looks like this interview has been... Whatever, can't come up with a good punch line... I'll just go back to where I came from.
*Starts walking away.*
*Interview Interrupted*